Facebook Chat, and Why It Sucks

Everyone knows what Facebook is. If you do not, this must be your first time on the internet. If this is the case, please be advised that you will be seeing an uncomfortable amount of genitals during your exploration of this information superhighway. If this prospect makes you uncomfortable in any way, you might want to just throw your computer away right now.

However, if you are already familiar with the internet (and it's awkward accessibility to genitalia) you are probably familiar with Facebook chat. While this may seem like a convenient means of communication with your friends ("friends" in this context meaning the two people you actually talk to out of the 600 or so people you are "friends" with on Facebook) it is also a frustrating and debilitated piece of non-genitalia-related internet media.

Below is a list of helpful Facebook Chat Features:

1. "Friend's Online... Maybe" Feature: Facebook chat revolves around who is online. If you wish to speak to someone who is offline you must send them a regular message. There is a list on the left-hand side of your news feed of who is currently online. HOWEVER, Facebook always has your entertainment in mind, as it does not update this list when your friends sign online. What a fun game! In order to refresh this list, you must click on the Chat (#) tab in the bottom right corner. When you do, you will see an amazing amount of your friends sign online at the same time. Congruent with this fun little game, Facebook will not properly inform you when friends are NO LONGER online. The same tab can be clicked to refresh the friends list. If only every chat program was this much fun!
2. "Conversation Auto-End" Feature: Facebook understands that sometimes it is difficult to say "goodbye." This is why every so often Facebook decides to lend you a helping hand! In this feature, the chat decides for you that it is time for your conversation to come to an abrupt end. It does this by pretending your friend has just signed off without informing you. On the other end of your conversation, Facebook is playing the same hilarious trick, fooling your friend into believing YOU are the culprit that signed off without properly informing him/her of your leave.
3. "Multi-Send" Feature: You may have experienced this yourself, or have seen it during a chat. This is a fantastic feature where Facebook takes something that was sent correctly the first time, but decides that this blurb of your conversation was so important that it should be sent again! Usually at some random moment, completely out of context. This can be extremely convenient during those troubling conversations where you don't quite know what to say. Don't worry though, Facebook has your back!
   Example:
   You: "Mom just said we are having pizza for dinner."
   You: "That makes me happy."
   Friend: "Cool."
   Friend: "I need to talk to you about something"
   Friend: "My girlfriend and I got into a fight last night, and she said she would rather be with you..."
   You: "That makes me happy."

Please feel free to share your experiences with these or any other of Facebook's numerous helpful chat features in the comments!

What To Do While Walking

So, when you are walking in a crowded area, what do you do? I've always felt that the Rules of Walking should be the exact same as the Rules of the Road.


For example:


In certain areas, when you are driving, it is customary to remain on one side of the road. I know which side depends entirely on where in the world you reside, but we can all confidently conclude that positioning yourself solely on one side of the road causes MUCH less hassle than if you were to switch sides constantly.

So why, then, do people decide to swerve all over the sidewalk?

What is the thought process, when you see someone walking toward you? Both parties realize that they must adjust their current trajectory just slightly to avoid a possibly fatal collision. It never fails though, that one party will confidently stray to the right (as is their customary driving side) and the other party will follow in the EXACT SAME DIRECTION.

Following this horrific event is the ever-so-awkward "excuse me" dance. We've all experienced it. Both parties shift uncomfortably from side-to-side in a synchronized manner, each one just hoping the other will physically melt away from the heat of the underlying hatred that has now been developed.

Do me a favor. If you see me on the sidewalk, just jump into the street so I can avoid you completely.